As of lately...

As of lately, my life has been weird.
I was recently put on a break from my job at school, to help me focus on school and my life and to help me become a better person I guess. For the whole time I was on the break, I really hated it. I was angry, upset, and really didn't want anything to do with anyone. It was in that time that I realized I needed God the most, and needed the help of others the most. BUT, because I'm so stinkin' stubborn and love to do things on my own, I neglected God and the help from others..almost. I mean I accepted the help from others but I was very reluctant, and super spiteful. It isn't until now, now that my break is over that I realized I needed to accept that help while I was on that break. I mean, don't get me wrong, the people who offered, helped a lot..but I really believe that if I had fully and completely accepted their help I would be so much better, and wouldn't be in the weird life situation I am in now.

You're all probably thinking, how can your life be so "weird" and unexplainable right now, especially since you are no longer on the break...things should seem amazing right? But they don't.
I regret how I handled the break, and I regret everything that has happened in my life this past year. I failed epically last semester, in school, my job, friendship, and in my faith, and not to mention the fact that I am continuing that this semester too. I mean I was on that break, I didn't get to work, I have ruined friendships, and my relationship with God is super rocking, however I am slowly getting back on track to where I need to be with him, which is great :)

Now, to break it all down. The break, I definitely should have handled it better. I mean I neglected to accept help completely from others, and I feel horrible about it. Not only do I feel like a complete and utter jerk for being rude and not accepting it, I feel like an idiot because I know my recovery and road to success would have been much faster and a little easier. If only I could go back in time.
I've ruined probably one of the dearest friendships I have. I let my insecurities take over, and I feel like there is nothing I can do to redeem myself, and have the relationship back to how it used to be. It's killing me completely!
As for my faith. I am having the worst time relying on God, and trusting in what he has planned for my future. I so want to be able to do what I want to do, but I need to remember that what God wants for me is the best.

But it seems although my life hasn't been the best the past couple months, I am still able to wear a smile. Perhaps it's not always a real smile, or a real happiness, but at least I am able to fake a little bit of it, which makes it I guess easier to move on with my days.

So here's where the weird part comes into play. My life is so broken, and so not what I had hoped for it, or even thought God planned for it, yet I am able to be happy. Hmm, it's weird. I don't know how that works. How someone can have such a broken, messed up life, and still be happy. I used to envy people who lived a life like this. Who had a horrible life, yet was still happy. That's always what I wanted, but now that I have it, it feels weird, and somewhat wrong at the same time. Perhaps that's God working through me completely, a sign that my life is going to be great soon, a sign that there is something greater planned for my life that I am gearing up to encounter..I can only wonder...and I guess be happy, that I am able to truly be happy amongst all that is happening...

So, as of lately, things have been weird, and I think I'm alright with that.