ordinary words...: August 2011

As most of you may know I was chosen to take upon the role of a Resident Assistant at my school- The University of Windsor. Applying for this job I was so ready to become a leader and bring all that I have forth and basically be the "best" RA ever to walk the face of the earth. It is the night of day 5 of training, and let me tell you, things have CHANGED! I no longer feel like I am on top of the world, in fact I feel like I am basically lower than dirt.

A little thing that you probably don't know about me is that I really struggle with stress. In most situations, whether it be big or small I usually stress. I've struggled with this for a while now, and it seems like no matter what I do, no matter how many hours I spend in prayer, in my bible, in worship I still stress. This "stress problem" is something I am working to overcome, and I know that through hard work and with the help of the Lord I WILL get over this. I believe!

So, training has been super intense and I have really been feeling stressed. I feel like the weight of the world is riding on my shoulders, and every single thing that has happened in my life has been thrown on my back, and I have to carry it around. But the fact of the matter is that I don't, and I want to be able to get this crap off my back. Throughout training we are dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. Since it's a university, and is very diverse, as an RA we are more than likely to encounter almost anything. My life is a ball of junk, and participating in this training has really resurfaced my life. I am not a person that likes to talk about my life/feelings/emotion, I just bottle it up, forget about it (for the most part) but on a happy face and move on with my day. I try to be a strong person, and I try to be happy because I feel like that is what I HAVE to do.

Part of me is wanting to quit this job, and just leave. Every single night since training has started I have just wanted to leave. There hasn't been a night that has gone by where I just get the urges to pack my things up, call my parents and go home. BUT I am not a quitter and I don't like to disappoint. Now you're probably thinking "if you don't want to do it, then just leave." Well, it's not that easy. I feel like if I were to leave I would be letting my staff and team members down, letting myself down, letting my parents down, and most of all letting God down...as if I am failing his plan for my life. I really don't like to disappoint, and because that's basically what I did my whole life, it's like I need to prove something. I want to show the world that I CAN do it, and that I CAN make a difference in someones life, and by sticking this out, I think I can. Do I think I'm a good fit for this job? NOPE! I feel like I am one of the worst picks ever, but obviously God has another plan because I'm here and still will be hopefully at the end of the year.

Like I said earlier, it's as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have felt the weight of my sins being loaded onto me over the past couple days and I feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like being in this situation. I like to have some control over my life, and I feel like no matter what I do, I can't go on, I can't help myself, and I can't help others. It's as if the words that come out of my mouth are hypocritical. It's as if I am wearing a mask. I try to be joyful everyday, but in reality I'm broken. I'm broken beyond repair. I so long to show the real me, and be myself. I feel like I am able to show the real me when it comes to my faith and my love for Jesus, but when it comes to showing my story, I fail; I fail majorly.

I LOVE love, and I so long to be loved. By my family, by friends, and most importantly by a man. I so long to be in love, and know that I am meaningful to someone, and know that I can make a long lasting difference in their life. BUT, I know I need to wait it out and wait for the good Lord's timing. He has my plan all figured out and despite all that I said in this blog post I am going to continue to strive to trust and rely on the Lord, and never fiddle with his plan.
It says in Hebrews 13 verse 5:
"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'"

My prayer for all of you who read this (if anyone does) that you will be able to keep your eye on the One who matters, the One who has your plan all figured out. It's alright to feel as if you don't have you story figured out, or completed, or as if you feel like you aren't able to control your story. I feel like that everyday, but I know that with the Love of God I will be okay :)

Peace!
Stephanie

So lately, I have really taken up photography. I guess you could say I've always had a knack for it, but never really acted on it. Partially because I always had a crappy little camera(however, I'm not complaining!) It wasn't until I went to Haiti that I decided I wanted to buy a better camera. I contemplated over and over again whether or not I should buy the camera before or after I had gone to Haiti, and at last I decided to buy it when I returned. Only days later after I returned from the BEAUTIFUL country of Haiti that I went out and bought my Canon Rebel EOS. Now, let me tell you...I am in LOVE with this camera. Although I don't really know how to use all of the features just yet, I know the basics and have been able to take some pretty crazy pictures.
I have also had the opportunity to do some minor "photoshoots" here and there, and I wanted to share some of those pictures with you :)

The Couckuyt Family