Thoughts....

Well, as my year comes to an end, with only one more exam to write, and getting ready to go home in about a week, I have mixed feelings/emotions/and thoughts.

I'm really excited that I have survived second year (well mostly), and I'm excited to be off on my adventure to Colombia, but along with all of that excitement I'm nervous, scared, and sad. This year has been hectic. It's been amazing, but completely horrible at the same time, and I'm not sure I'm just ready yet to give it up.

I feel like things this year were so crappy that it made things so amazing...weird I know, but that's how my mind is working right now. The things I went through this year (not so good) led to some pretty amazing things. I honestly don't know where I would be right now, this instant if I didn't have those things happen. I mean, perhaps if they didn't happen I would be in a more positive state more often, and perhaps have an idea of what my life is going to consist of post Colombia trip, but sometimes I like the adventure and the mystery...however I can say right now I don't like the mystery.

I'm faced with decisions I feel I need to make now in order to diminish the amount of stress that I am faced with. But, sometimes it seems impossible to come up with an answer to my decisions. I'm constantly thinking "what do I decide?" "how do I make this decision?" and "why do I need to make these decisions?"
I mean I'm only 21 (almost) and I hate having to make decisions. I mean yeah I am an adult, and these are necessary, but I hate it. Lately, I have been just so wishing that I could be 5 again, and now have to make adult decisions, rather have my mother or father make my decisions for me. haha, but that's not going to happen unfortunately!

Sometimes I just wish that I could get good advice. You know when you go and ask people for advice, or just support as a friend? Ya well, lately it seems like I've been doing that a lot, and I haven't been geting it. I mean I'm not saying my friends are horrible, because they are far from that, and I'm not saying by any means that I have a horrible life, because I have experienced first hand people who have a worse life than I do, but you know, I don't have the best life ever, and sometimes needing a friend, and hearing advice from them is what you need. And this past little while I felt like that is what I needed, and I feel like I haven't gotten it. Perhaps, I'm being selfish, and just thinking about myself and not others, and that may be true, but I don't really believe that, and sometimes I wish I had that support.

I mean, really, how hard is it to just be a listening ear, and give advice when needed and if you can't, just say so, but atleast you were a listening ear..it's not that hard is it? Am I asking for too much?
I mean I provide a listening ear whenever someone needs it; I may not be the wisest, most knowledgable person out there, but I feel like I am able to give a bit of advice when needed...so why can't the same be done to me?

I know I've completely switched my focus of this blog, but like the title states it's thoughts, and oh boy, do I ever have a lot of those! So, sorry for being so jumbled, but you just have to get used to it :)

I don't know anymore. When it comes to making decisions for my life, I know that ultimately I am the one that needs to make them, but sometimes I would just love advice or an opinion from the ones that mean the most to me...but, like I said perhaps I am asking for too much, and if I am...I guess I'm done here, and will try to figure things out on my own...

I mean I guess I have God as my guide. I mean, I know I have him as my guide, and ultimately he's the best friend a person could have, and will give the best advice ever, but I'm not sure if that's really the road I want to go down. I mean I've been a Christian for a while now, but part of me wonders if I'm a real Christian...do I really live the life of a Christian? Do I really shine as Christ would want me to? I don't know anymore....I guess only time will tell..

In the mean time, for those of you who actually read this...if you do, I could use some prayers!

Love!
Stephanie