I have never felt so passionate about something, and then watch it get ripped out of my life so quickly. People always say that if you rip the band-aid off fast that it hurts less, but I'm not sure how much I believe that when you relate it back to real life. For the past two hours I have been asking myself, how the crap did I end up in this situation? How did I let myself fail so miserably that I ended up here. I mean, I sort of knew there was a possibility that this would happen; however, I was sort of reassured that it probably wouldn't happen, and then to find out that what I had been hoping for, isn't going to happen.
Ha, you're all probably asking what I am talking about, and it's a job. Now, you're probably thinking, dude, chill it's just a job..but this is a job that I am super passionate about, and really count on in order to afford school...without it, I can't pay for school.
But I am constantly asking myself, how did I end up like this. How did I let myself get in the situation where I am so upset that all I do is cry? I mean, I know theres worse problems in the world, but I feel like I have nothing to make of myself.
- I'm 20 years old
- I'm in my second year of University, with my 3rd major change...
- I've failed classes
- I'm losing my job
- and I feel like my relationship with God is going down hill. I am definitely not relying on him as much as I should, and somedays I feel like I don't care.
I have nothing to make of myself. Ya, I'm still in school but I feel like my life isn't anything to be proud of.
I went on a missions trip to Haiti last year, and I'm going to Colombia this year. I feel like I didn't even make a difference or accomplish anything while I was in Haiti, and I'm not even sure if Colombia is where I am supposed to go.I am a HUGE control freak, a HUGE stressor, a HUGE panicker, and a HUGE worrier. The fact that I don't know where my life is leading me, or what is going to happen with my future scares me.
I know I am supposed to rely on God and let him lead me, but I find that crazy hard.
I want to call myself a Christian, but as I think about it, am I really one? Am I really a Christian, or am I just living a life of labels; a life of lies; and a life of hiding behind this mask that I am too scared to take off and show the world who I truly am.
My mind is racing with a million thoughts and feelings. I feel like such a failure, an idiot, and like a loser because my life feels so screwed up.
Now, I don't want you guys to think that I am writing this because I'm some crazy super depressed emo kid, who wants attention or pity. I'm not any of the above, and I don't want peoples pity. I'm just ubber upset and I find blogging is the best way to vent, and let my thoughts out.
Take it or leave it. If you don't like it, then don't read my blog anymore.
Well, I hope your night is going much better than mine.
However, I do know within time things will get better, and my life will get back on track. I plan to get super amazing grades this semester, and I plan to make something of myself for the rest of this year and throughout the summer.
In the mean time, pray for me because I could use some serious prayer.
Peace...
Stephanie
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