Well, today is a wonderful day of celebrating birthdays, however part of me feels super depressed. My two oldest sisters Alanna and Alicia are celebrating their 27th birthday today. It's a super happy and exciting day, as that's a big age to reach haha, but it's super bittersweet because as most of you know my sister Alanna passed away.
I've really been struggling today with wanting to celebrate, but feeling sad for celebrating aswell. It's hard to believe that 10 years ago Alanna died. That she only ever made it to her 16th birthday, and that almost exactly 2 months after her death she would have been turning 17. For the past 3 years of my life, I have been living in denial of the fact that I am aging. I really struggle with the fact that I made it to the age of 20, and she didn't. I feel bad for being able to have accomplished the things that I have in my life, and she didn't. Like the fact that I made it grade 12 and graduated, or the fact that I made it to university. I know that I shouldn't feel bad for having accomplished these sorts of things in my life, as they are super exciting, but I constantly feel bad that I am enjoying them. It's as if I am rubbing it in her face. I continually struggle with moving on with my life, and having fun. I really do wish that I could get over these fears of growing up, and moving on with my life. I so wish and long to be content with my life and not worry.
I often times wonder if the reasons that I sometimes feel like I am making the wrong decisions, or the fact that I haven't allowed myself to open up to others, or get my first boyfriend is because I feel bad, and have a problem with letting people close to me because I don't want to loose them. I guess that's why this is such a bittersweet birthday today. I know it's not my birthday, and I probably shouldn't feel this way, but just to think that Alanna would have been 27 this year makes me super depressed. I have to say that I was crazy depressed all day just thinking about it. I tried to be happy for Alicia, and celebrate with her, but when it all comes down to it, I was more focused on the fact that Alanna wasn't here to celebrate and turn 27.
I often wonder where she would be today if she was still alive. What kinds of things would she be doing...would she be married? have children? have a sweet hair dressing job? or what? I know I shouldn't really dwell on those sorts of questions and focus on the now, but I find it so hard.
I really miss her, and today has really made the missing her so much worse. I wish I could turn back time, and bring her back, but I know that's not reality. I have to trust in God and know that this all happened for a specific reason. I mean I do believe that, and I do know that there was a reason behind this, and I know that that reason will never be clear to me until I face Jesus himself face to face..when I can then get all the answers to my questions.
Until then, I shall wait, and remember those amazing times I had with her, and celebrate her life, even though she only lived for 16 years.
Today is a bittersweet day, but Happy Birthday to two of my favourite sisters.
I love you both so much, Alanna and Alicia.
Alicia- I pray that the Lord blesses you with many more years to come, and that he keeps you safe in all that you do. You are an amazing mother and those girls deserve the best, and you are that. I don't know what I would do without you. You are my big sister, and I am forever thankful that I got stuck with you. I love you so unbelievably much.
Alanna- I hope that you are watching over me daily, and that I am making you proud in all that I do. I really miss you and know that you are indeed in heaven, and that at one point I will meet you again. I cannot wait for that day to come, but in the mean time, keep watching over me and helping me make the right decisions in my life. I love you sooo much, and miss you more than words could ever say. Keep on smiling.
Happy Birthday :)
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