As I sit here at my desk, trying to study for my up coming exams I can't help but let my mind wander. Studying is just oh so boring to begin with, but add to my boredom that fact that I am heading to Haiti in about a month, my mind just can't help but wander and think about the people of Haiti. While procrastinating tonight I decided to check out some of the cool videos they provide on the Global Expeditions website. After browsing for a good hour, I came across the last video that I hadn't watch. It was the very last video on the list, and man am I thankful I came across this!
This song is basically what my life has been for the past couple months. It talks about being so ready to be used by God, and to serve him. When I first applied to go on this missions trip I really don't think my heart was where it was supposed to be. I really wasn't thinking about going to serve my Lord, I was going more to help these people(awesome) but also to just go to say I went on a missions trip, and got to experience traveling outside of Canada! However, over the past couple of weeks as time ticks away and my trip becomes closer the true reasons as to why I have felt complelled to go on this trip have been made clear to me.
Growing up in a family that was not religious what-so-ever I didn't think I would be in the position I am in now. I mean my family didn't go to church, didn't pray, or anything. We all knew God was in existence, and for the most part believed in him. We weren't really ones to believe in evolution(atleast I think, I've never really asked my family), but this sort of thing(faith, missions, church) just seemed sort of silly. When I turned 10, my sister died and my family seemed to some what fall apart. We had just gone through what we thought would never happen to our family. We didn't really know what people felt when they lost someone so close to them until it actually happened to us. I felt as a young child, losing their 16 year old sister, I felt lost. I didn't know what to do with my life. My big sister, my inspiration in life has just died, and I was left without anything. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing parents, and 2 amazing other older sisters, but until you lose someone you don't know just how much they mean to you. I lived a pretty charmed life when I was younger. We were pretty well off, we had friends, good grades, and we were a pretty close family. Ya, sure we fought like most families but we were pretty content. But it seemed when my sister died, my content, close knit family sort of fell apart. I mean we still talk, we still do things together, but it seems as though the fun times started to minimize. I felt lost, I felt like I really couldn't talk to anyone about my feelings. (I'll have all you readers out there know that emotions are the hardest things for me to express. I really dislike sharing them and talking about them because I feel like if I don't talk about them, I don't have to think about them...horrible I know.) I was so young and so were my friends, that none of us really knew how to deal with it or even talk about it. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it with my parents or my sisters, because I just didn't understand what exactly had happened, and I felt like I was disappointing people if I were to ask questions about what happened, I felt like I was required to understand.
After a couple years(maybe 2) of searching and feeling like I couldn't relate to anyone, or really had comfort in my life I turned to God. I felt like God was the only thing that could fill the void of my sister (which he hasn't completely) and I felt like I could finally live my life again and not be so sad. Although I became a Christian about 7 years ago I still have my low times when I question God, when I question why exactly he took my sister from me, but I have learned that I really will never know those answers until I face God on judgement day. As the years went on my desire to serve God and to just do what he wanted became prominent in my life. I can say that I really never acted on what God has told me over the years because I was scared and felt judged by my family. I am still to this date the only Christian in my family and that presents a lot of struggles. In this past year, my first year of university, as I sit in my dorm room with minimal friends(i'm very intraverted) and none of which are Christians, I find myself spending more and more time with God. Yes, I still have the days when I don't interact as much as I should but I find that I am able to just sit with God and listen to him and serve him. Now this is where my original post idea comes into play(haha sorry about the LARGE bunny trail).
I applied to go on this trip with Global Expeditions in February and was accepted almost instantly. I was so fired up and ready to go on this trip, until the stressful aspects came into play. I knew that I had to fundraise and do paper work, but I didn't realize how crazy stressful it would on top of school work. I prepared myself for this by obtaining help from my best friend. She has been an amazing help throughout this process, but I still felt like giving up. She told be over and over again that it may not seem worth it now, but it will be once you are there and when you come back. Beth would say that God has given me this opportunity and that he is going to use me and work in me before, after, and while I am in Haiti. It is now that I am just beginning to realize this. As I was searching those videos on the GE website, the song Here am I, came across(the very last video I was talking about) and once I heard it(infact I have been listening to it on repeat as I write this song) everything became clear. The reasons as to why I decided to apply for this trip, and the reasons why I have raised all the money and will be venturing off to Haiti in 30 days, and that simply is because I am just so ready to be used by God and serve him.
So God, Here am I, I am yours, use me to further your kingdom and to bless the people of Haiti.
I am super excited to go and just live my life for God.
This was a super long post..sorry folks! haha,
But I pray that my words will bless atleast one of you who read this(if people do)
I want to challenge each and everyone of you to delve deeper, to find the reasons why you serve our awesome God, or why you don't. If you do, step out of your comfort zone and try something new. Bring a new person to church, or go on a missions trip...further the Kingdom of God, and your relationship shall be furthered and deepeded with him. I pray that each and everyone of you reading this, and for the ones who don't read this, that you will be blessed, and the God would use and each everyone of you in an unique way!
God Bless your socks off!!!
Stephanie :)
heres the link for the song!
http://www.youtube.com/user/GlobalExpeditions#p/u/7/mUXOaeePBFY
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