Down by the Valley....

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." --Psalm 23:4

You know, lately I have just been experiencing a downtime with my faith, and have been stuck in this valley. Ya sure when I write my blogspots I seem fine, however, heres the thing...when I write my blogs I usually put aside my struggles and fears in order to encourage others. I live to encourage people, and when it comes to life, I put others first and don't really think about myself unless it's absolutely necessary. I guess that's where my life being stuck in a valley comes in. For the longest time I have tried to make sure other people- that being friends and family- are okay, and I kind of just let my self sit off to the side until I felt it was the right time to deal with my problems. I'm not sure if I will ever really know when it is the right time to deal with my problems, but I guess now I am coming to realize that my time is coming soon. I'm not sure if I feel this way for the right reasons, but I'm just so sick of being stuck in this valley and feeling like a sack of crap.

As time flys by and the amount of time I have before I go to Haiti becomes less, I really feel like I need to get out of this valley. I feel like if I want to be able to make a difference in the lives of the people in Haiti I need to get my life figured out. well, maybe not figured out exactly since that takes forever, but perhaps just get a little bit of an idea as to why I am stuck in this valley. I have been recently re-evaluating my life and figuring out what sorts of things, people and events I want to be apart of my life.

I was recently talking to a new "friend" I guess you could say about my up coming trip and just life. She was asking me what sorts of things are putting me in this valley, and what sorts of things I need to do in order to get out of this valley. I'm not a really good talker, and I'm not good with expressing my thoughts. Give me a pen and paper (in this case a computer and a blog) and I could write it all out for you, but when it comes to talking about my life and the problems I face, I just can't do it. But after I talked to her, I felt like I was actually right, that I really didn't know what put me in this valley for so long, and I'm not really sure what I need to do to get over it. But as I got to thinking later this night and as I start this blog and let my thoughts and emotions just flow out, it seems as though God is making it clear as to why I am stuck in this valley, and why I have been here for so long. As I get to thinking, I feel like these reasons and solutions have been made clear to me for soooo long, but it's like I have been ignoring them.

For most of you who read this blog, you would know that my sister died when I was 10. I was so young that I really didn't understand what was going on, and I felt like I had no one to really talk to about this issue. None of my friends related to me because they didn't go through something like this. Since I was so young I really didn't have a grieving process, in fact I really didn't know how to grieve. I felt like I had no guidance when it came to dealing with the death of my big sister. I guess I would say that my grieving process started the year I got back from Katimavik, so the summer before grade 12, all throughout grade 12, and up until now. As I reflect on my relationship with God, and my family, it seems as though I have lost contact with pretty much them all. Ya, I mean I live with my family when I'm not at University, but it just seems empty at home, same with my relationship with God. I know he's there, I pray, I worship and I read the living word, but there has always been something missing. And I guess all along I knew what it was but I just didn't want to admit it, or even face the fact that that is the reason as to why I was and still am sort of running from God and am stuck in this valley.

My sister. I have been just so angry with God for taking my sister, and although I won't know the reason as to why she had to go so early, I am still angry at God. I felt like the one person I needed most in my life was taken away, and I wasn't sure if I could forgive Him for that. There have been a lot of other heartbreaks and heartaches in my life that I didn't think I could forgive God for and I have, but it seems as though this anger is just sooo huge that I couldn't forgive him.

So what's the thing that is putting me and keeping me in this valley you ask....the anger that I have toward God for taking my sister. I feel like I have been so angry and have been focusing on the fact that God took her so much that I have lost touch with friends, family, and most importantly God. So what do I need to get out of this valley? I need to forgive God and look forward to the amazing things and people he is going to put in my life. I need to realize that ya, she may gone from my life in person, but she will always be in my heart. There are so many memories that I have with her that will keep me going.

It's about time that I get out of this valley and start living my life fully for God. I am soo ready to be over this time of crappiness and to just move on. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, because it's definitely not, but I think it's important for me to get over this before I venture over to Haiti.
Wait, I say get over all this...I don't mean that. I'm never going to get over the fact that God took my best friend, my big sister, and my inspiration, rather I need to forgive God and give him the room to work in my life.

I'm so ready God, so just use me and teach me how to forgive and just live my life to the fullest for you. I used to be sooo on fire for you God, and I pray that I can get back to this spot. I pray God that you will help me to find it in my heart and in my life to figure out the ways to get past my anger and resentment that I have for you, and towards my family for not being there when I needed them most. God I pray that you will help me to find the strength to talk about this with my family, and help us to grow. I just love you soo much God and I am soo ready to be out of this valley and worship and praise your name on a daily basis! In your name I pray, Amen!

Stephanie :)